-For Nathan, who needs a good laugh about now.-


So back in the '80's I'm working at this burger 'n 'beer joint, and after we closed for the night at this burger 'n' beer joint we used to hang out with the manager for hours at a time, drinking beer and smoking pot. Which was stupid, because it was right next door to a police station, although it probably would've taken the cops in Memphis 30 minutes longer to get there that way. So one night we close up the burger 'n' beer joint, and we're sitting around doing what we always do, and the radio is on. And we hear that there's a 50's and 60's music trivia contest at this bar across town.

Now I don't know if I've told you but I'm a wiz at 50's and 60's music trivia; everybody at work knew that, of course and usually I drove them crazy because at night when we closed up the beer 'n' burger joint, they wanted to listen some LedHatchetWagon crap-which I hate with a fucking passion, and believe me, I didn't mind telling 'em so. But tonight we were all one big happy family because if you won this 50's and 60's music trivia contest your table got free rum drinks all night long. So that made me the belle of the fucking ball that night, ya know.

So-we all pile into the manager's car and we drive across town to the bar where they're having this 50's and 60's music trivia contest. And we get there, and of course I mop the floor with the asswipes who came to the bar that night thinking they know their 50's and 60's music trivia.

Well I'm feeling pret-ty fucking good, ya know, cuz I wiped the floor with those assholes who thought they knew their 50's and 60's music trivia. And guess who's there ? George Klein, George-fucking-Klein is all--oh, c'mon, you know, Elvis' big frigging buddy? (smarmy DJ voice) "Hey all you groovy guys and gals ! George Klein comin' at ya from the WHBQ Radio Sta"--No ? W--H--B--Q ? "The Red Hot & Blue Show"? "Daddy-O" Dewey Phillips ? Aw, c'mon, Dewey Phillips was only like THE DADDY of rock 'n' roll, two years before Alan-fucking-Freed. See, you'd know that if you knew your 50's and 60's music trivia. Well, anyway, Elvis gave George Klein a Cadillac once, so you know, he thinks he's a frigging big shot.

So George-fucking-Klein-is-all comes over to the table and he says to me, he goes, "Miss ? I just wanted to tell you, you sure do know your 50's and 60's music trivia" like I don't fucking know that. I just won all my loser LedHatchetWagon-listening co-workers fucking rum drinks all night, and I'm not really that big a drinker. I just wanted to wipe the floor with some asshole who thought he knew more than me about 50's and 60's music trivia, but I might've mentioned that already.

So the waitress comes over and she wants to know what rum drink we all want, and I tell everybody else to order first. Since I don't drink that much I wasn't thinking about the damn rum drinks. I was busy thinking about wiping the floor with some asshole who thought he knew his you-know-what better than me, and maybe telling George-fucking-Klein to give that "Elvis-gave-me-a-Cadillac" story a rest fer cryin' out loud (cuz who the hell DIDN'T Elvis give a Cadillac to back then). So I hadn't been thinking about what rum drink I wanted, and when I did start thinking about it, I swear to god I couldn't think of a single fucking rum drink to save my life. I was happy happy happy on my 50's-and-60's-music-trivia-contest-winning-ego-high without a damn rum drink and I wasn't fucking ready to come down. So real polite and all, I said "Ya'll go first."

There I am--Queen-of-the-frigging-Ball, with all my LedHatchetWagon-listening loser coworkers ready to toast me, soon as they got their damn rum drinks of course-and you might've figured out by now, I'm feeling pret-ty damn good about winning that you-know-what, and George-fucking-Klein-is-all complimenting me on knowing my 50's and 60's music trivia. So with all that going on, the only rum drink I could think of was a Pina Colada, and that was probably because some asshole played that damned "Pina Colada" song-this was back in the 80's, remember, and whoever played that song was probably sick of all the 50's and 60's music for that trivia contest you mighta heard me mention. So when the waitress got to me, I said, "a Pina Colada."

Now ya'll can make fun of my music and my accent all goddamn day and night if you want to, but that night I was the Quee-een Bee, Belle of the Fucking Ball, and my loser LedHatchetWagon-listening coworkers were singing my praises and I wasn't drunk but I felt fine and everybody fucking loved me that night. And I knew I was smarter than all of them because I knew my 50's and 60's music trivia, and they didn't even know what real rock 'n' roll was, like Daddy-O Dewey Phillips used to spin it. So I was holding fucking court there at the table and I see the waitress coming back across the bar. She's carrying this big-ass tray, like fucking Hubble telescope big-hey fuck you I know about more than just 50's and 60's music trivia ya know. And I see that waitress with that big-ass tray getting closer now, and I could see she was having trouble getting across the crowded bar.

Okay so there's the waitress making her way across the bar and I can see her AND the tray a little better now, and I'm thinking, what the fuck is that ? What the hell is that big ugly ass brown thing sitting in the middle of that tray, with all that froo-froo hanging out of it ? Whatever the hell this thing is, it's got streamers and little umbrellas and plastic swords sticking out of it--and a sparkler, and the damn sparkler's's lit fer crissake's. My aunt-fuckin-fannie might be in there this thing is so damn big, and the waitress gets a little closer and when I see it, I don't fucking believe it.

Now I can be kind of a smartass sometimes-hey, fuck you, you want me to finish this thing or not-so I start looking around the room from my throne and all ('cuz you remember how I told you I won that 50's and 60's music trivia contest and got all my fly-on-free-bird loser co-workers free rum drinks and all). So I'm feeling mighty fine, and I'm looking around from my throne to see where that waitress is going with that tray. Whoever that fucking idiot is who ordered that big ugly-ass brown thing with all that crap hanging out of it , I'm dying to say something smartass to that idiot for ordering that stupid looking thing. Remember, this is MY night, I'm the Belle of the frigging Ball, and it's taking that waitress way too goddamn long to find whoever that idiot is, so I yell out-

"Hey who's the fucking idiot who ordered the coconut ?"

-and no one claims to be that fucking idiot-

then I turn back around to the table just in time to see the waitress set down my Pina Colada.